Oscar Who?

THE STORY: The Golden Globes happened. Pretty people showed up, got drunk, and some went home with statues.

ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS??? Yes. You're going to hear about it at some point in the day, so you might as well be able to contribute. Aside from the fashion fun, the Globes are THE prom for TV and movies. It's TV's Super Bowl but merely a pregame for the Oscar A-list.

WHO CHOOSES THE WINNERS? Thank, or curse out, the HFPA. Nope, it's not a sexually transmitted disease, but rather a group of journalists representing over 55 countries. They tend to love musicals and Meryl Streep.

WHO WON? Daniel Day-Lewis, Jessica Chastain, Ben Affleck, Lena Dunham, "Homeland," "Game Change," "Les Mis." Others.

CUT TO THE CHASE. WHO LOOKED GOOD? Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, who delivered big and in style. There must be something in the SNL water because Kristen Wiig looked mighty fine herself. Other standouts: Kerry Washington, Kate Hudson, and Allison Williams.

WHO MADE US FEEL BAD ABOUT OURSELVES? Claire Danes, Megan Fox, and Adele. Their babies are practically still fetuses and they looked bangin'.

WHO GOT SENT TO FASHION POLICE? Lucy 'I stole my neighbor's drapes' Liu. Giuliana 'why won't they invite me inside' Rancic. Sienna 'please cast me in Mad Men' Miller.

WHAT WAS EMOTIONAL? Ben Affleck getting the opportunity to tell the Oscars to shove it up his Globe. The un-Oscar nominated Affleck scored big for "Argo" and seemed genuinely shocked. Swoon.

THAT IT? Well, then there was Jodie Foster. She was honored and came out. Sort of, since she was already out, kind of. But then she retired, only not really. Emotions ran high. The speech involved a moving tribute to her mother (tears) and was summed up when Amy Poehler said she would be going home with Ms. Foster.

SO WHO HAD THE MOST FUN? Bill Rodham Clinton.

WHAT WAS DISTURBING? Hearing "Homeland's" Brody speak with his British accent and every actor try to pronounce "Les Miserables." Not audition time, folks.

REPEAT AFTER ME...

What to say when you feel misunderstood... I've never felt so much like Java. The computer language that everyone and their mom uses (Ok, maybe not our moms) is having a tough week. The Department of Homeland Security issued a warning last week: users with Java on their computers (about 1 billion of you out there) should disable it because hackers know how to use it to get into your computer. Java's parent, Oracle, tried to issue an emergency fix, but many say several major security flaws still exist. Times like these, we really appreciate snail mail and filing cabinets.

What to say when you clean out your closet... I'm determined to eradicate the risky items in here. France feels the same way and has been relentlessly going after Islamist rebel strongholds in Mali over the past few days. In the last year, al Qaeda-linked rebels have taken power in the north, leading the international community to worry that the area could be used as a base for attacks against the West. Maybe Mitt Romney was onto something at that October debate when he warned about Mali. Troops from other African nations are expected to join the fight, meaning this is probably le beginning of a new conflict.

What to say when you get past an Internet paywall... Aaron Swartz is smiling somewhere. The Internet hero and one of the geniuses behind Reddit, who devoted his short life's work to making online content free, ended his life over the weekend. Swartz had suffered with depression and was facing the possibility of a prison visit, after that time he tried to steal nearly 5 million articles from an archive at MIT. Note to self: MIT doesn't like that. Thank you for giving us an RSS feed--you won't be forgotten.

What to say when you have deja vu... I only want to see good moments again. Less than four weeks after the brutal rape of a young woman on a New Delhi bus brought out a national outcry to protect women, the tragedy has happened again. Punjab police say they have arrested at least six men involved in the gang rape of a 29-year-old woman who was riding the bus home Friday. The New Delhi rape case, in which the victim died of her injuries, sparked unprecedented protests across India, putting women's safety front and center. #ReportIt

What to say to give someone a case of the Monday's... You know that thing you really want? Not gonna happen. The head of the NRA said there's no way Congress will pass a new ban on assault weapons. This probably makes Vice President Joe Biden consider calling in sick, as he is supposed to present recommendations, which could include such a ban, to President Obama. After the Sandy Hook tragedy, people want change, but is there enough support for the military-style ban? The only thing you can count on in DC: arguments. And bad hair.

What to say about your weekend... The football lifestyle is wreaking havoc on my liver, from all the boozing, and my nails, from all the biting, especially while watching the Seattle Seahawks v. Atlanta Falcons game. After a fourth quarter meltdown, the Falcons came back strong to score a playoff win. Players celebrated with tears and fist pumps. Classic. The Baltimore Ravens rode the Denver Broncos hard and put them away in double overtime. Let's see if they can bring that stamina against New England, who successfully destroyed the Houston Texans (seriously, how is that a team name?)

SKIMM FAVOR: Start the week off right. Pass theSkimm along to 5 friends. Why? Because we gave you a new Suit & Tie. You're welcome.

BIRTHDAYS: Shopna Ghosh (Kolkata, India); Nathan MacDonald (Tallahassee, FL); Annie Postlewaite (Portland, OR); Mardee Ropella (Tacoma, WA); Marshall Lipman (Nashville, TN); Matt Alagna (Chicago, IL); Lynda Rose (Portland, OR); Aryel Skokan (Denver, CO); Beth Crawford (Weatherford, TX); Jen North; Maitreyi Anatharaman (Michigan); Rose Alagna (Chicago, IL)

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