Quote of the Day: “Sometimes in life, you think you found the one. But then one day you find out, that she is just some b*tch!” —Justin Timberlake, being less than a Southern gentleman, while intro'ing his Britney Spears-inspired “Cry Me A River”
Sunday Night Lights...Out
THE STORY: The Baltimore Ravens beat the San Francisco 49ers to win Super Bowl 47. Beyonce sang and then the Superdome lost power.
OK. FIRST ABOUT THE FOOTBALL. The Baltimore Ravens dominated the first half of the game with the help of MVP Joe Flacco and Jacoby “I Got End Zone Moves” Jones. Then the lights went out (see below). QB Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers came back strong. But in the end, the Ravens pulled out a win and earned some rings.
HOW DID BROTHERS HARBAUGH DO? Well, John Harbaugh’s team won. And Jim Harbaugh has some issues when his older brother wins. The 49ers coach did NOT take it well when he wasn’t given a holding call in the 4th quarter. But after the game, John said “I love you.” Real winning coach? Jackie Harbaugh.
LIGHTS WENT OUT? It was not an excuse for everyone to make out to Five. A power outage left the Superdome dark with the Ravens up 28-6 for about half an hour early in the 3rd quarter. Just enough time for broadcasters to have no idea what to talk about and the Twitterverse to light up with theories: Did Bane take over? Did “Single Ladies” overrun the Dome? Was it ghosts? Officials said it might have been a power surge. Athletes stretched, yawned, a Harbaugh yelled, and eventually play went on.
LET’S TALK BEY. All that lip syncing talk made her quite angry. What happens when Bey gets angry? Blue’s mommy goes away and Sasha Fierce comes out. Hard. Jay did this when it was over. And then the lights went out. Any questions?
TELL ME MORE. Gladly. There was Bey, Destiny’s Child, and more Bey. She proved she can sing, dance, run the world, take the power out, make people believe she’s part of the Illuminati, and make this face a lot. The Knowles powers that be finally figured out a backup band that can stay — Bey-clones. We have a feeling she won’t have trouble selling tix to her “Mrs. Carter Show World Tour.”
YEAH, ABOUT THOSE ADS… Yawn. $3.5 million apiece could do better. We enjoyed learning that God makes farmers' lives miserable (but we thank them), driving an Audi right takes courage, and Taco Bell means you can eat fast food into your 80s. Flops? Go Daddy (gross), Calvin Klein (who makes a naked man boring?), and Psy dancing for Pistachios. Who did it best? Oreo—way to work that blackout.
WHAT’S WORSE THAN LOSING? Owning a team that doesn’t even make it in and reportedly being served divorce papers while you watch the game.
ANYTHING ELSE? Yes. We were moved by two things, in no particular order. 1) Marta, the small puppy that took MVP in the Puppy Bowl. 2) Jennifer Hudson and the Sandy Hook Elementary School chorus singing “America the Beautiful” before the game started. Tears all around.
REPEAT AFTER ME…
What people are horrified by… A former Navy SEAL known for being a deadly sniper in Iraq was one of two men shot dead at a Texas gun range. Authorities have arrested a fellow military vet. They would surely like to also arrest Jimmy Lee Dykes, the man who raided a school bus, killed the driver, and kidnapped a 5-year-old boy on Tuesday. Unfortunately, he is still holding the boy hostage in an underground bunker in Alabama. Mr. Dykes, who has allowed medicine, toys, and food to be passed through, had previously invited a neighbor down below to see if he could hear the man yell. Red flag.
What to say when you’re called out for eating your co-worker’s lunch… I can’t add to anything you may have already heard. That’s Israel’s ‘tude, following last week’s airstrike targeting a shipment of weapons inside Syria. Israel was allegedly trying to keep Syria’s stockpile of chemical weapons out of the hands of militant groups who hate Israel. The nation hasn’t officially copped to the attack, but its Defense Minister did nothing to hide the fact that a country’s gotta do what a country’s gotta do to protect itself. Not in agreement was Turkey’s PM, who was upset by the general violation of airspace and what it called “state terrorism.” #NeighborlyOpinions
What to say when you’re not invited… No one cares what you think, anyway. Actor-turned-director/ J.Lo-lover-turned-Garner-husband Ben Affleck won the award for outstanding movie direction from his peers at the Directors Guild of America. Affleck’s award hot streak cements Argo’s frontrunner status for the Oscars. Of course, it’s making the Academy feel really awkward for failing to nominate him for best director. #AffleckProblems
What to say when you feel everyone’s picking on you… Can we talk? Iran has said it’s open to chatting with the US and the powers that be over its nuclear program. Iran maintains its program is peaceful; the West says not so much. Maybe the pressure of economic sanctions is getting to it, or maybe all VP Biden had to do was make the first move (he did). Unfortunately, the Iranian official who spoke doesn’t actually have the power to make these types of decisions in Iran, so many in the international community dismissed the comments.
What to say at the water cooler… The water is stale but I’m glad to see you’re all here. Two top Barclays execs announced their resignations Sunday, as the big British bank clears house after a series of scandals. Like that time when the bank admitted to rigging interest rates and paid around a $450 million penalty. The resignations come two weeks before its CEO will present a plan for a new, more trustworthy Barclays.
SKIMM FAVOR: We lost our Puppy Bowl bet. Help us feel better. Pass on theSkimm. In the name of Marta.
BIRTHDAYS: Ahnna Dudley (Burlingame, CA); Talia Joseph (New York, NY); Kristin Babington (Mobile, AL); Susan Dison (Houston, TX); Melissa Siegel (New York, NY); Athanasia Skokos (Indianapolis, IN); Sonja Clifton (Germantown, TN); Elizabeth Burke (New York, NY); Rachel Lain Leeburn (Miami, FL)
Skimm’d something we missed? Send it to SkimmThis@theSkimm.com