Skimm'd over debate and stars and stripes drinks. Mmm democracy.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It'll probably be a park or garden" – A Paris official. The city's debating where to let nudists take their clothes off in peace. Eurotrip packing list: birthday suit.
Last night was the first big test of the 2016 race. Nobody won. Nobody lost. 'I switched my vote,' said pretty much no one.
The first presidential debate. Hofstra University hosted. GOP nominee Donald 'Mr. Sniffles' GOP nominee Donald Trump wore a big beautiful blue tie. Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton wore a red, yup, pantsuit. No idea what moderator Lester Holt was wearing because he was taking an off-camera nap.
WHAT'D THEY TALK ABOUT?
Each other...as in Hillz thinks Trump should say 'sorry' to the thousands of workers he's stiffed over the years. And Trump thinks Clinton has had "30 years" in politics to make change...and hasn't. Plus, he thinks he has a "much better temperament" than Clinton.
The Economy…as in Clinton wants to raise the minimum wage and mind the gender pay gap. Trump thinks the US is losing jobs to China and Mexico. Lester asked him how we should get those jobs back. And Trump basically said 'we're losing jobs to China and Mexico.'
Trade…as in everyone Googled 'TPP.' Trump hit Hillz for initially supporting President Obama's new trade deal, which he thinks is a no good, very bad deal. She responded by saying 'erroneous on both counts.' And if you're confused, you can buy her book.
Tax returns...as in Lester reminded Trump that he still hasn't released his. Trump says he'll get right on it...as soon as the IRS finishes auditing him. Meanwhile, Clinton said Trump's tax plan would cost the US millions of jobs. Trump said 'au contraire,' his tax plan would actually free up lots of cash money to create more jobs.
Racial tensions...as in Trump wants to bring stop-and-frisk policies to high-crime cities like Chicago. Cue Lester turning off his mute button to point out that stop-and-frisk was ruled unconstitutional in NYC years ago. And then Hillz chipped in to say she wants to get police departments and black communities to do some trust falls.
President Obama's birth certificate...as in Lester wanted to know why Donald couldn't let it go, let it gooooo until last week. Trump said actually, Clinton's campaign started the rumors back in '08 that Obama wasn't born in the US. Fact checkers say, 'denied.'
Cyber security…as in apparently Barron Trump is on the computer a lot. Clinton is still shocked, just shocked, that Trump called on Russia to hack her emails. Trump said 'now wait,' we don't know it was Russia. It could've been a 400 pound person on their bed. So, there's that.
ISIS...as in Trump thinks Clinton is showing her cards by telling ISIS how she'd fight them on her website. And Clinton said, 'I've shown you my plan, now show me yours.'
Manners...as in The Donald does not appresh those attack ads the Clinton campaign's been running. Clinton said that Trump's criticized her for preparing for the debate, but you know what else she prepped for? Being president. Zing.
Last night was a big chance for either Trump or Hillz to turn the tide in their favor. Trump came out with a bang and then lost his mojo. Clinton held back in the beginning, but ended with a full sprint. So yes, undecided voters are still saying 'halp.' Look for round two next month.
REPEAT AFTER ME...
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR MOM SAYS, 'AT LEAST THINGS CAN'T GET WORSE'...
Not always the case. Over the past week, hundreds of people have been killed in the Syrian city of Aleppo, making it one of the heaviest periods of airstrikes since the war started. Reminder: Syria's in the middle of a five-year civil war with Team Moderate Rebels (backed by the US) fighting Team President Bashar al-Assad (backed by Russia). Earlier this month, both sides shook on a cease-fire…that lasted about as long as your Pokémon Go habit. The US says that's because forces loyal to Assad bombed trucks delivering aid to the country last week. And have been carrying out heavy airstrikes in Aleppo pretty much ever since. And many think Syrian backed-forces are ready to flatten the city altogether in order to win. On top of all the violence, Syria's state-run TV station has decided to promote Aleppo's night life. Tone, meet deaf.
WHAT PEOPLE ARE WATCHING…
Houston, TX. Early yesterday morning, a Houston lawyer opened fire near a neighborhood strip mall. He injured nine people – two seriously – before being shot and killed by police. The suspect allegedly had Nazi paraphernalia on him. Police found lots of weapons and ammo at the scene. Officials say the suspect was allegedly having "issues" at work, but are still investigating a motive. This comes after a series of mass shootings around the country in recent weeks.
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR FRIEND SAYS THE DEBATE RUINED HER NIGHT…
In other dysfunctional news, Congress may not get its act together and pass a new budget before the government runs out of money on Friday. Get ready to hear the words 'government shutdown' a lot. Oh, and the US is also probably on track to get an F on its climate change goals. Good job, everyone.
WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO'S THE JACK TO YOUR KAREN…
WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR FRIEND WHO'S STILL IN SHOCK OVER BRANGELINA'S SPLIT...
You might want to sit down for this. Naomi and Liev are no more.
SKIMM THE VOTE
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