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Super Bowl 2017: Patriots vs Falcons

Super bowl 51 header 01 PUBLISHED FEB 2, 2017


Are you ready for some footballllll? Super Bowl LI is here. It’s the Atlanta Falcons vs the New England Patriots. Hut hut hike.


It’s another way of saying the Super Bowl’s over the hill. This is year 51. Last year, the NFL decided to give up on Roman numerals, because nobody likes to take an L. Now, the NFL’s back to doing as the Romans do.  


Do your thing. But more than 100 million people will be tuning in. That’s a lot of hot wings. And this year has some big draws. Pats QB Tom Brady and his protective necklace will be there. He’s kind of good at this whole Super Bowl thing. If he wins his fifth championship, he’ll have more Super Bowl rings than any other QB or Russian President Putin.


Sunday. Kickoff’s at 6:30pm ET in Houston, TX. Fox is hosting. Luke Bryan's singing the national anthem. You can’t go. Tickets for even the most budget seats are not in your budget. Hint: Around $3,000.  


With Alexander Hamilpup. Team Ruff and Team Fluff are back at it again in the Puppy Bowl. The paws come out at 3pm ET on Animal Planet.


It’s rookies vs veterans. Atlanta’s the underdog. The Patriots are doing this for, you know, the ninth time. The Falcons have the best O in the NFL right now. But the Pats have the big D. And Brady. Betting odds are in the Pats favor...but only by a littttle bit.


Sadly not. But Lady Gaga’s taking center stage. And she’ll be pulling her best poker face all by herself. The performance will be through the roof.


Apparently 30 seconds of fame costs more than $5 million these days. Adam Driver’s doing it live for Snickers. The Illuminati gets hypnotized by avocados. Mr. Clean goes full Magic Mike. Tostitos will tell you when you’re drunk and need to go home. GoDaddy’s going to rickroll us all. And Budweiser’s going back to its immigrant roots.


For the Patriots:

Tom Brady
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Tom Brady… QB. Mr. Gisele is hoping for Deflategate redemption. Brady had to sit out four games this season for his alleged role in the scandal. He bounced back nicely. If the Pats come out on top, he’ll be the greatest QB of all time.

Bill Belichick
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Bill Belichick… HBIC. The one with the winning smile. The head coach has already led the team to four Super Bowl wins. He’s also considered one of the best football coaches of all time. Because he wins. A lot.

Malcolm Butler
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Malcolm Butler… Cornerback. The one whose interception in the final seconds of Super Bowl 49 handed the Pats the victory. Now he’s considered one of the best cornerbacks in the NFL. He’ll be the one trying to keep Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones from getting his hands on the ball.

Nate Ebner
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Nate Ebner... safety (aka defense) and special teamer. The one who’s a man of many talents. He spent his summer vacay repping the US at the Olympics...on the rugby team. He already has one Super Bowl ring with the Pats. Now he’s going for round two.

Rob Gronkowski
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Rob Gronkowski... tight end. The one who’ll be on the sidelines. Gronk’s the best TE in the NFL. He’s also recovering from an injury. So he’ll be giggling all by himself on the sidelines.

For the Falcons:

Matt Ryan
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Matt Ryan… QB. As in the shark to Tom Brady’s jets. This is his first time at the Super Bowl. And he’s not letting it get to his head.

Julio Jones
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Julio Jones... wide receiver. Currently one of the best in the league at catching balls. He’s also fast. Really fast. Just ask your friend who had him on her fantasy team.

Devonta Freeman
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Devonta Freeman… running back. ‘Touchdown’ is his middle name. So don’t be surprised if he spikes a few more at the big game. Even Tom Brady’s son wants him on his team.

Alex Mack
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Alex Mack… Center. Not the one with a Nickelodeon show. The one who’ll be snapping the ball to Ryan. He was a wrestler in high school. Hint: he’s still puts those skills to good use.  

Dan Quinn
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Dan Quinn... Coach Taylor IRL. He came on as head coach in 2015 and helped turn the Falcons around. He was a defensive coach for the Seattle Seahawks when the Pats beat them in Super Bowl 49. This time he’s hoping for a different outcome.


This Super Bowl pits a team with a LOT of championship experience against a team with pretty much none. Get ready for an epic showdown.

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