How Eldest Daughters Can Start Putting Themselves First — Now

How Eldest Daughters Can Start Putting Themselves First — Now 

If you’re always the one reminding your siblings to get your parents a gift or coordinating family get-togethers, you may be suffering from eldest daughter syndrome. While there isn’t extensive research on the health effects of this “syndrome,” that’s not stopping eldest daughters from sharing their stress from overachievement, fear of failure, and burnout on social media. So what’s a tired, big sister to do?  

First, find out how you got here

Your birth order doesn’t determine who you become but can help shape your identity, says Susan McHale, a former professor at Penn State. Being the firstborn means getting extra attention and pressure to fulfill parents' expectations.

Being female adds another layer. Daughters take on more of the "caregiving and the emotional work" than sons, says McHale. This often continues as they become "active agents within family systems," such as caring for aging parents, says Alison Alford, a clinical associate professor at Baylor University.

But it’s not all bad

Some eldest sisters come away from the experience with stronger leadership skills and a sense of purpose. Research also shows that when family members value their unit above themselves, it can lead to some health benefits. “Participating in family relationships is incredibly rewarding,” says Alford. 

Your move

If you’re struggling, reflect on how your familial role makes you feel. Depending on your answers, you may want to… 

1. Set boundaries. If you're draining yourself for your family's needs, Alford says to be clear about what you will and won't do moving forward.

2. Learn to let go. If you often seek control, the responsibility may fall on you to loosen your grip. Your siblings might surprise you.

3. Ask for validation. People just want to be noticed and valued, says Alford. If that resonates, try gently asking your family for more recognition.

4. Break the cycle. If you have or are considering kids, think about how you can avoid putting them into boxes. Don't gender their chores, and give them time to feel like a kid.

Read more about eldest daughter syndrome and how to navigate it. 

We asked you to vote on a question you’d like answered. The winner was:

What are some signs I should try a different birth control method?

FEATURED EXPERT:

Colleen Denny, MD

Director of family planning at NYU Langone Hospital—Brooklyn.

“[Listen] to your symptoms and your reaction to birth control. Some people feel like they have more nausea. Sometimes breast tenderness can be an issue. The pattern of their periods, when they're using birth control, might be a reason to switch. 

“You should stop birth control if you have a medical reason. There are people who have issues with their blood pressure, people who have problems with clotting diseases, people who have migraine headaches, or smokers in their late 30s or beyond [who shouldn’t] take birth control containing estrogen. 

“If for any reason [your birth control method is] just not fitting with your life or your preferences or [is causing] symptoms, you shouldn't feel like that's the end of the road. We have so many types of modern birth control.”

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity. You can read the full story here.

Catch up on the latest health news, tips, and trends.

Coming up on the Supreme Court's docket: abortion pills. In its first major abortion case since Roe, the court could restrict a drug that millions of women have used to terminate a pregnancy.

Everyone seems like they’re coughing right now, but it’s not necessarily COVID or the flu. So, what is it? 

Some doctors are training in a new specialty that was previously reserved for disaster relief workers. With climate change, we need all the help we can get.

Despite what rom-coms think, being single isn't the worst thing. For some, it's the best. 

We’re walking in a winter wonderland…with extremely dry skin. Here’s how to change up your routine to get back that glow. 

Forward this to a friend. Click here.

Where we literally give you the words you need to get things done. 

How to Get Someone to Open Up

You can know someone for years without ever really knowing them — whether it’s your neighbor, aunt, or even partner. With the right words, that can change. Ask these questions the next time you want to get vulnerable.

POV: You’re feeling stuffed after a holiday meal and craving a post-dinner walk, only it’s…awful outside. One solve? Bloom’s best-selling greens, which have over 30 good-for-you ingredients — including fruits, veggies, prebiotics, probiotics, and antioxidants. Just one scoop helps relieve bloat, promote energy, aaand support gut health. We’re not surprised they’ve got over 3 million fans. And to help you become one of them, Bloom’s offering Skimm’rs an exclusive 15% off their first order. Green us up, Scotty.

Since it's gift-giving season, we're sharing our top health and wellness gift recs through the end of the year. Enjoy.  

For your friend who doesn’t have time for a blowout… 

Get them the Kitsch heatless curler. It’s been vetted by multiple Skimm HQ’rs, who say it delivers tight curls with minimal effort and it’s comfortable to sleep with. Bedhead just got a whole new meaning. 

PS: Need more recs like this one? Check out our roundup of affordable (and effective) beauty gifts.

"Cat'lympics"

— A new hobby for some, apparently. Self-care looks different for everyone.