It’s Time to Ditch the Shame Around Sex Drive

It’s Time to Ditch the Shame Around Sex Drive

Sexual desire ebbs and flows with life (sometimes from week to week). Add the pleasure gap, plus stigma around vaginal dryness, and it's no surprise that shame is still slipping into bed with us — and that includes how often we’re in the mood.

Where did the shame come from?  

“We grow up getting messages that [women are] not supposed to want sex too much because that would make us ‘slutty,’ but we're also not supposed to not want it because then we're a ‘prude’,” says Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and sex therapist. Part of what perpetuates these messages is the phrase “sex drive” itself, says Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of “Come As You Are.” The word “drive” implies sex is necessary to survival — even though it’s not, she says. That narrative bolsters the idea that women are somehow obligated to perform sexually in a certain way, for the sake of their (and their partners’) wellbeing, she says. 

How sexual arousal actually works

The dual control model of sexual response has two parts that work in tandem, says Nagoski. The sexual excitation system (or the “accelerator,” as she calls it) “sends the turn-on signal that many of us are familiar with.” The sexual inhibition system (or “the brakes”) notices “all the good reasons not to be turned on right now.”

Some people have sensitive accelerators and can get aroused easily. Others have more sensitive brakes and find that the littlest thing can shut things down, says Nagoski. Lots of factors, whether physical (such as unpleasurable or painful sex) or psychological (such as body image or past trauma), can impact your sexual desire.

Your move

Your sexual drive is not something you need to “fix.” You don’t have to change it now or ever, but if you do want to increase your sex drive…

Find out what’s stepping on your brakes. “If you have anxiety, treating the anxiety is the strategy. If you’re feeling unsafe in your relationship, fixing that is the strategy,” says Nagoski. 

Address basic health needs. “When we’re not sleeping, eating well, resting enough, our bodies … [are] not going to take any resources to work on our sex drives,” says Marin. 

Feed your desires. Ask for (and give yourself) whatever gets you in the mood, says Nagoski. 

Check-in with yourself. What kind of sex do you enjoy? What do you want (and don’t want) when you have sex? 

We asked you to vote on a question you’d like answered. The winner was:

Which is better: cardio or strength training?

FEATURED EXPERT:

Danielle Gray

Certified personal trainer and founder of Train Like A Gymnast

“If you're trying to build muscle, strength training is going to be better. If you're trying to [run] a marathon or a hundred-miler, cardio is going to be better. My motto is [to] train with intention.

“Cardio is really good for … your heart. It helps with your endurance so that you can do [activities] for longer, [and] it helps minimize the risk of [certain] diseases as you age. Strength training is really good for protection of your joints and your bones. It can [also] help decrease risk of injury. 

“[Cardio] only burns calories while you’re doing cardio. If you implement strength training … you put yourself in a state of excess post-exercise, oxygen consumption [EPOC], and that will have your body burning calories even after you're done exercising. Combining them is my preferred method.”

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity. You can read the full story here.

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“Secrets of Giants” by Alyssa Ages 

Author Credentials: Ages is a strongwoman competitor and an endurance athlete based in Toronto. 

Table of Contents: Through her own story and those of other athletes, Ages explores what makes weight lifting “so much more than pounds moved or pounds lost,” she says. Ages talks to other lifters, along with researchers to uncover how weight lifting helps people outside of the gym, from becoming more resilient to overcoming adversity.

Why We Bookmark’d It: Ages offers two important lessons: First, that you don’t have to be a natural born athlete to start lifting weights, and second, that some of the strongest people (we’re talking about those pulling semi trucks and flipping tires) are also often the most vulnerable. To be clear, this isn’t a how-to book on weight lifting. Rather, it’s about all the things you gain from lifting heavy things that have nothing to do with strong muscles, and how weight lifting can build resilience in other areas of your life. Ages learned this firsthand following a miscarriage that left her feeling weaker both physically and emotionally. Lifting — and figuring out why she loved it so much — helped her crawl out of a dark place and feel strong again, and it just might have that same impact on you.

Catch up on your reading with our past Well Read book recs here. 

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1. Earrings that are *actually* safe for sensitive ears.

This TikTok-famous brand makes all their earrings with pure or medical-grade titanium. Because gold, silver, and basically any other metal can trigger reactions. And no one needs more irritating jewelry. Use SKIMMWELL for 20% off.* 

2. Our review of some top OXO kitchen products.

Read our thoughts on the brand’s manual food processor, produce keeper, dish squeegee, and more.

3. Everything you need for the best oral hygiene.

Including the floss we actually look forward to using and the teeth-whitening kit that lives up to the hype.

"Spite exercising"

— How NYT writer Jessica Grose describes her competitive mindset during group workouts. It’s called rage gains.