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Realizing that your parent(s) won’t be around forever can be a harsh reality to face. The key to making their aging a little less scary? Starting the conversations early — whether that’s about their driving, living situation, or end-of-life planning. But it’s not a conversation most people want to have. That’s why Gina Moffa, a licensed psychotherapist and grief therapist, and Ty Lewis, a certified dementia practitioner, broke down exactly how to broach the topic.
Is there a right time to talk to parents about aging?
Yes. Somewhere after their 60th bday. And ideally, it’s not one talk, but a series of conversations that happen several times over the years. Moffa and Lewis say it should happen…
Before any kind of health crisis, if possible.
In a comfortable environment that feels as natural as possible, like the dinner table.
When you have plenty of time to sit and hear your parents’ thoughts.
What if they’re not open to discussing it?
Instead of forcing the topic, be open to how they feel and try to establish trust. “If we're going to get any information from them, it's certainly going to be more with curiosity than accusations,” Moffa says. If they shut down or decline your ideas, ask them why or why not and listen to their answers.
Wrap up the first conversation if your parent isn’t open to it, and schedule another time with them to revisit it. When that time comes, bringing plenty of alternative options (to driving or living situations, for example) “is a helpful way to keep the fear of losing control at bay for a parent,” says Moffa.
What do I even say?
Some starting points:
“Something has been on my mind lately. Can we talk about it?”
“I was watching this TV show/listening to a podcast about aging. I thought it might be a good idea if we talked about it.”
“My friend is going through something with her parents right now, and it made me realize that I want to be prepared for the future. Can we talk about it?”
And once you get into the specifics, here’s how to talk about…
Living arrangements
“Have you given any thought to where you want to retire? Did you plan on living here forever?”
“I want to make sure I take care of you like you took care of me. Can we talk about how I can help?”
“Maintaining the house and keeping up with daily tasks seems to be more challenging, and I want to ensure you have the best support. Have you ever thought about moving in with us? It could be a great way for us to spend more quality time together and help you with everyday needs."
"Lately, I've been exploring different options that might help us ensure that you are supported and thriving. One of the options I came across is assisted living, which could offer you great opportunities for social activities, daily assistance, and healthcare as needed. I know this may be a big change for you, and I would love to hear your thoughts."
Changes in their physical health
“How have you been feeling lately?”
“I noticed that you were running out of breath walking up the stairs. Is everything okay?”
Changes in their hygiene
“I hope you know this is coming from a place of love and care. I've noticed recently that keeping up with daily grooming seems to be getting a bit tougher. I wonder if something is going on that’s making these things harder. I want to help you. How can I assist?”
Their driving
“I noticed that you were driving a little differently than you usually do. Do you feel like there's anything different when you drive? Are you able to see things the same way?”
"I’ve been worried about you on the road lately, and I want to ensure you’re safe. Can we look at some other options to help you get around?"
End-of-life planning
"As a family, I want to honor your wishes concerning your medical decisions. I’d love to sit down as a family to create a medical living will so that we honor your wishes during a difficult situation. Can we work on this together?"
“My friend was completely blindsided by their parent’s health crisis and had no idea what decisions to make. I don’t want that to happen with us. Can we discuss what you would like in case of an emergency?”
Their wishes for when they pass
“I want to be prepared when the time comes to follow your wishes. Do you have an idea of what you want after you pass?”
“I know this is hard to talk about, but I'd love to know what you think about cremations/burials/etc.”
theSkimm
We won’t sugarcoat it: Talking about the days when your parents will need help can be emotional. But having it now will be doing your future self — and your parents — a big favor.
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